Well here we go…my first ever Substack post, so let’s cut to the chase, as certain people say (but not me, even though I’ve just said it). When setting up my Substack profile here just now, it asked for my Twitter account, so I could promote my work and build a bigger audience. But I couldn’t do that.
I couldn’t do that because capitalist America-based Twitter is clueless to other cultures, even as their fearless (LOL) ex-leader trembles with terrified eyes, pierced nose, and heinous beard, testifying before congressional committees to defend his “vision” of uniting the world against evil, or whatever it is they believe in (it doesn’t matter; I’d lie through my heinous beard about equality and saving the planet, too, if I had a cash geyser boxed off like Jack does).
That’s right; I fell afoul of the righteous. I used the word ‘cunt’ on Twatter, I mean Twitter, and it wasn’t the first time. Oh, no. I’d been warned. Hate speech, they said. Really? Either way, I was permanently banned from the platform several years ago, and so here I am, unable to connect with my people, my insider cult. I said cult.
To be fair, the wilderness has been kind to me. No more anonymous cowards regaling me with the most awful insults before blocking and reporting, as they are wont to do. No getting het up at faceless mobs of jeering keyboard warriors intent on dragging me through the gutter for sport. I’m beginning to sound like Quasimodo, I know, but anyone who’s ever dared to stand before the Social (Media) Justice Express knows the dance. Probably the funniest thing ever (to them) was President Trump being banned after the last election, but I prefer to get my laughs from Steptoe and Son, or Trailer Park Boys, or Bill Burr, or Dave Chappelle, or Rising Damp, or dear departed Norm Macdonald, or just about anyone who never has and never will pander to the sick fucks occupying the Good Ship Free Speech these days. Hang on; I’m mixing my metaphors now. Is it a train or a fucking ship? Make your mind up, laddie.
So now I have this Substack thing but I cannot reach my insider cult, my Waffleheads, my Beatlemen, my Machinists, my GROOPS. I’m marooned here. So there’s only one thing for it: a GoFundMe to start a global campaign to reinstate all Twitter accounts of those permanently banned merely for using the c-word, as the yanks call it.
What do you think? Could it fly? I’m seriously considering it. There must be millions of us. And millions more who sympathise, having spent the past decade scampering about twitter, making do with inferior insults like “wanker”, “twat”, and “shithouse”.
Having said that, I have no sympathy for any depraved swine who’s lowered themselves to using those silly amalgamated newer insults favoured by the engineers aboard the Social (Media) Justice Express. Yes, I’m talking about “twatwaffle”, “wankpuffin”, “cockwomble”, and the most awful “spunktrumpet”. Good grief, am I the only for whom that expression conjures an image of someone gulping down a litre or two of Harry Monk from a fucking big cornucopia of some kind constructed for that very purpose? Having said all that, “shitgibbon” isn’t bad, to be fair. There’s an exception to every rule, I suppose.
So; a GoFundMe it is, then. Once it’s up and running, I’ll link it up here, and on Facebook, and I expect you, my Shitgibbons—sorry, I meant my Waffleheads, my Beatlemen, my Machinists—to help spread the good news: Twitter is being held to account for their ignorance of other fine cultures, such as the UK, Australia, and Senegal, where “cunt” can mean anything from an inanimate object to a term of endearment.
All monies raised will be used by me to bring justice to the cunting millions around the world deprived of Twitter by Jack Dorsey and his vile minions. And no, Mr. Dorsey, no one believes you’re some kind of peaceful warrior barely a cunt hair from homelessness just because you’ve spent hours cultivating a beard that looks like a yak’s arsehole. Let’s hope your successor has more of a clue about words socially acceptable outside the USA.
Ta reet son lad beatleman , I’d say fund raise against these technocratical cunts , nice article , ——. Mr Anderson
What about dribbling squish mitten?